The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
What method of contraception do you use? I’m always really nice and kind. - Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do? Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes now.
Police stops a man in his car. Police: Sir, what’s in that bottle? Man replies: Water. Police: [sniffs] It smells like wine! Man: Oh no, Jesus did it again!
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. “That won’t help you, Joe, you know?” “Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
How do you rob a snowman? - With a hairdryer.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales...
“A vodka please!” “Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.” “Yeah, yeah, alright. McVodka then.”
That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.