Sport Jokes | Best and Funniest

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
“Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.
Bill says, “Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing’ in the rain!”

Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that ‘he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts … when they get fucked every week !’

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says “Billy, it is so good to see you…so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?”.
“Well”, Billy says, “I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news…YES, there is baseball in heaven!”.
“Thank God!” Joe shouts…
“What is the bad news?!”.
“You’re pitching tomorrow.”

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.

If my main parachute doesn’t open and my reserve parachute doesn’t open, how long till i hit the ground?
– the rest of your life…

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything ‘Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps’ !

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment …

Q. Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.

Q:HOW DO SPORT PLAYERS STAY COOL IN A GAME?

A:THEY STAY IN FRONT OF SOME FANS!!!!

“I went to the gym and spent five minutes on the Stair Master,” Moe said to Joe. “Then I went home and spent an hour on the Couch Master.”

“I know what you mean,” replied Joe. “These days, the only exercise I get is letting my imagination run wild.”

“My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she’s way off base.”

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”

A group of guys went fishing. After each had enjoyed their catch they were sitting around chatting about the number of fish each caught.
Kent said he caught 10, Randell said he caught 15, Homer said he caught 28, Winston remained quiet for a moment then said without counting “I think I have so many I can’t put “em in one pile!”

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”

A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up.

“Where’s your license,” asked the warden.

“Don’t know,” said the hunter.

“OK, you’re under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,” said the warden.

“No way,” said the hunter. “You drag it.”

Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”
The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
“We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.”
“Very clever!” remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?”
“Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being referred to, “what about it? You got something against blind kids?”
“Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor. “I did everything all wrong again today,” she said.

“I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more than he did.”

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, “This is our number one sport.”

The horrified woman said, “Isn’t that revolting?”

“No,” the guide replied, “revolting is our number two sport.”

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”
Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest of your life.”

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.

“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”

“Really? How’d you do that?”

“I dropped the ball.”

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.
“So, how did you do, son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.

God, always fair, told the devil, ‘The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don’t you know all the “good” players go to heaven?”

The devil, smiling, responded “Yeah, but we’ve got all the refs

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”
“No,” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”
Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”
“No,” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”
So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”
Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance; I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here”.

“Yes”, snickered the Devil, “but I have all the referees.”

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond.

When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, “You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch.”

Question: How do baseball players stay cool?
Answer:Sit next to their fans.

Question: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
Answer:So he could tie the score.

Question: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
Answer: Because you dribble on the floor!

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”
The guy says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”
The guy’s wife says, “That’s terrible!”
The guy says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . .”

So ya know, I’ve been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say, they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!!!!!!

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. “Chet, I’ve got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let’s try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.”

“OK,” says Ivan.

After a while, Ivan says, “I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don’t get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.”

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.” After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?” The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidentally shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok.

“Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn’t gutted him.”

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

Two scuba divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, “It’s those Buccaneers!!!”
To which the other replies, “Yeah, mine are hurting too!”

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?

Because you have a short stop between second and third.

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