Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
“Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Bill says, “Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing’ in the rain!”
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says “Billy, it is so good to see you…so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?”.
“Well”, Billy says, “I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news…YES, there is baseball in heaven!”.
“Thank God!” Joe shouts…
“What is the bad news?!”.
“You’re pitching tomorrow.”
– the rest of your life…
A. In case he got a hole in one.
A:THEY STAY IN FRONT OF SOME FANS!!!!
“I know what you mean,” replied Joe. “These days, the only exercise I get is letting my imagination run wild.”
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”
Kent said he caught 10, Randell said he caught 15, Homer said he caught 28, Winston remained quiet for a moment then said without counting “I think I have so many I can’t put “em in one pile!”
“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
“Where’s your license,” asked the warden.
“Don’t know,” said the hunter.
“OK, you’re under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,” said the warden.
“No way,” said the hunter. “You drag it.”
Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license.
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
“Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that “No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.”
The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.
“We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.”
“Very clever!” remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?”
“Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being referred to, “what about it? You got something against blind kids?”
“Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”
“I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more than he did.”
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!”
The guide told her, “This is our number one sport.”
The horrified woman said, “Isn’t that revolting?”
“No,” the guide replied, “revolting is our number two sport.”
One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”
Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest of your life.”
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”
“So, how did you do, son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend
God, always fair, told the devil, ‘The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don’t you know all the “good” players go to heaven?”
The devil, smiling, responded “Yeah, but we’ve got all the refs
“No,” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”
Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”
“No,” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”
So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”
Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody
“Yes”, snickered the Devil, “but I have all the referees.”
When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, “You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch.”
Answer:Sit next to their fans.
Answer:So he could tie the score.
Answer: Because you dribble on the floor!
The guy says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”
The guy’s wife says, “That’s terrible!”
The guy says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . .”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”
“OK,” says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says, “I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don’t get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.”
“Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn’t gutted him.”
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
To which the other replies, “Yeah, mine are hurting too!”
Because you have a short stop between second and third.