Q: Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
A: He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: What kind of institution is Marriage?
A: One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Q: What does marriage do?
A: Puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
Q: What kind of rings do men need for marriage
A1: Engagement Ring
A2: Wedding Ring
Q: Whats the definition of a happy marriage?
A: One where the husband gives and the wife takes.
What’s the cure for marriage?
Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Q: When are feminists bad?
A: After one marries your sister!
Q: Who is the perfect husband?
A: One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open!
Q: Why is marriage like a nice suit?
A: At first it’s a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Q: When is it okay to Love thy neighbor?
A: When her husband is away on business!
Q: How hard is it to lose a wife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!
Q: Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?
A: Because love means nothing to them!
Q: Whats the difference between marrying a Mama’s Boy and a Daddy’s Girl?
A: One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father!
Q: The difference between marriage and death?
A: Dead people are free.
Q: What is the ideal marriage?
A: One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Q: I married Miss Right.
A: I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Q: Which one of your children will never grow up and move away?
A: Your husband!
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.
Q: How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking?
A: By getting Married!
Q: What’s the difference between marriage and a Journey song?
A: A Journey song has a climax.
Q: Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom
A: In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!
Q: Marriage is what kind of sport?
A: One where the trapped animal has to buy the license!
Q: What kind of process is Marriage?
A: A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
The boss says to his worker: “Marcus, I know that your salary is not enough to get married … but you must believe me that one day you will thank me.”
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
Once I am married, divorce is not an option. My kids are going to have a mother and a father.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Today I thought I lost my wife for a second… then I looked outside the kitchen.
If 50 percent of marriages end in divorce the other half must end in death.
During courtship, you are always saying foolish things; during marriage, you are always doing them.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
My wife said “I think it’s time we heard the pitter patter of little feet again. So I bought her a rat.
The best way to propose to a woman is to carry her on a boat, paddle the boat to the middle of the river then tell her “Marry me or get off my boat”
Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.
One time when I was talking to my mom’s co-worker he said that he had no friends.
He said that all of his friends were either married or dead.
And my friend who is with me says to him “What’s the difference?”
A husband and wife were in bed watching tv.
The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels.
The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby.. “Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish.”
Desmond and his wife are just waking up one morning when he grabs her butt cheek and says, if you firmed this up you could go without a girdle.
She was very upset by his remark but decided to just ignore it.
The next morning after they woke up he grabbed her breast and said, if you firmed these up you could go without a bra.
This remark made her really mad and she rolled over and grabbed his limp dick and said, if you firmed this up I could go without the UPS driver, the butcher and your brother.
The Perfect Man
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Ryan”
Cabbie: “Ryan Jay Robinson. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I’m married to his widow.”
An old lady gets caught shoplifting.
On court day the lady and her husband who goes with her stands before the judge and he says to her, “Why did you shoplift?”
And she says “I was hungry.”
The judge says “What did you take?”
She replys, “A can of peaches.”
So the judge trying to figure out how to punish her says, “How many peaches where in the can?”
The lady says “6” so the judge says ok then 1 day per peach in jail that will be 6 days time served.
The judge says would anyone like to say anything and her husband says your honor, “She stole a can of peas too”
There once was a hottie who got very drunk at a bar and asked a man sitting behind here to marry her.
The man replied no and a few hours later told his friends what happened
They then asked why he said No?
The man replies “Why would I get on one knee for a woman who wouldn’t get on two knees for me”.
Husband Wife Jokes
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