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Divorce Jokes Marriage Jokes Wedding Jokes

A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions.
“Do you love her?”
The old man replied, “I guess.”
“Is she a good Christian woman?”
“I don’t know for sure,” the old man answered.
“Does she have lots of money?” asked the pastor.
“I doubt it.”
“Then why are you marrying her?” the preacher asked.
“She can drive at night,” the old man said

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

My husband-to-be and I were at the county
clerk’s office for our marriage license. After recording the vital
information–names, dates
of birth, etc–the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, “No
refunds, no exchanges, no warranties.”

There are some who feel it is inappropriate to
make fun of the holy institution of marriage.
Then there are others who know it’s the only way we can live with it.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,
“You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.

Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father
met for lunch. “Well son,” asked the dad, “how is married life treating
you?”
“Not very well, I’m afraid. It seems that I married a nun.”
“A nun??” his father exclaimed.
“That’s right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg.”
The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. “Why don’t we
all get together for a nice talk tonight?”
Toms face brightened. “Say Dad, that’s a great idea.”
“Fine. I’ll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates.”

A woman told a marriage counselor that her
husband’s complaint that he leads a dog’s life is probably well founded.
“He comes in the house with muddy feet,” she said, “tracks across my clean
floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable
on my best furniture.”

The elderly pastor was searching his
closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the
back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100
$1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the
box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box for their entire
25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her,
“WHY?”
The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He
asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that
every time during their marriage that he delivered a poor sermon,
she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor
sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he
asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the
neighbors for $1.

A young lady visited the government
matchmaker for marriage and requested – “I’m looking for a spouse.
Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The marriage officer said, “You’re requirements please.”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous,
sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I
don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion
for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The officer listened carefully and replied,” I understand. You
need a television.”

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the
birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to
get out.

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One golfer to another: First it was my marriage; now, the magic has gone out of my nine iron too.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

A husband visited a marriage counselor and
said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my
wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around
barking. Now after ten years it’s all-different. I come home, the dog
brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
“Why complain?” said the counselor, “You’re still getting the same
service.”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill
told his friend Doug.
“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug
suggested.
“But what if my wife finds out?”
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about
it!”
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer
together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that – it never worked.”

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck
after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got
to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her
how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was
time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and
told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this
about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be
better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst
into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the
worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And
now, you come home drunk!”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.
Bill: Why do you say that?
Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to
sex. “It’s not as boring,” she said.

Marriage is when a man and woman become
as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Little Johnny was reading from a Hans
Christian Anderson book. “Teacher?” he asked, “Does m-i-r-a-g-e
spell marriage?”
“No my child,” sighed the teacher. “But it should.”

Mary: “Jill, did you try going to
marriage counseling before you broke up with your ex?”
Jill: “PLEASE! The idea of our going to marriage counseling would
be like asking Bobby Knight to go to anger-management classes!”

Marriage is a union. A union of heart,
a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay
those union dues.

Q. Why is marriage is like a violin?

A. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still
attached.

A businessman was being interviewed
about his life and career when the subject of his wife of thirty
years came up.
“To what do you attribute the success of your marriage?” asked the
interviewer.
“Well,” replied the businessman, “You know that saying ‘Behind
every successful man there’s a woman’?”
“Yes.”
“Well, behind every successful man’s woman is a pre-nuptial
agreement.”

They say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not.
Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it
back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can’t take
him back to his mama’s house.

Soon after marriage, a lady’s husband stopped
wearing his wedding ring. She asked, “Why don’t you ever wear your wedding
band?” He replied, “It cuts off my circulation.”
She answered back, “It’s supposed to!”

A husband and wife were at a party
chatting with some friends when the object of marriage counseling
came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great
relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major
in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”

Personally, I think one of the greatest
things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays
the least bit of attention.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck
after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got
to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her
how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was
time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and
told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this
about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be
better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst
into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the
worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted
his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And
now, you come home drunk!”

Marriage is like the army, everyone
complains, but you’d be surprised how many re-enlist.

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

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