##
JOKES |

Q:

What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large

pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four…

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin

for his work – the philosopher can do without the trash bin…

Q:

What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A: A high school math problem!

Q:

What does the zero say to the the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?

A: You say: “Your brain is smaller than any >0!”

Q:

What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he

wants to propose?

A: A polynomial ring!

Q:

Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don’t need

the sun!

Q:

Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant,

always insist on taking the leftovers home?

A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!

Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern

by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi!

Teacher:

“Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?”

Student: “It’s 42!”

Teacher: “Very good! – And who can tell me what 6 times 7

is?”

Same student: “It’s 24!”

A

mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with

AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.

Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine

had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: “Don’t worry

– we’re safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us

is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine.”

A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers

that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure:

“But don’t worry – we’re still safe. Only our flying time

will go up to twelve hours.”

Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off.

But the pilot reassures the passengers: “Don’t worry – even

with one engine, we’re still perfectly safe. It just means that

it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt.”

The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: “If the

last engine breaks down, too, then we’ll be in the air for twenty-four

hours altogether!”

A

math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his

homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he

thinks it’s wrong, but also because he doesn’t want to be sanctioned

for aiding and abetting.

His classmate calms him down: “Nobody will be able to trace

my homework to you: I’ll be changing the names of all the constants

and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.”

Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands

his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.

After the deadline, the student asks: “Did you really change

the names of all the variables?”

“Sure!” the classmate replies. “When you called

a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed

it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called

it the timber of x+1…”

The

chef instructs his apprentice: “You take two thirds of water,

one third of cream, one third of broth…”

The apprentice: “But that makes four thirds already!”

“Well – just take a larger pot!”

The

math teacher asks his students: “What is 9 times 7?”

He gets several answers – all are either 62 or 65.

“Come one – the correct answer can either be 62 or 65!”

“That

math prof’s marriage is falling apart!”

“No wonder! He’s into scientific computing – and she’s incalculable!”

A

woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.

“How old, do you think, am I?” she asks coyly.

“Well – 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on

your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that

up is something you can probably do for yourself…”

Theorem.

A cat has nine tails.

Proof.

No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no

cat, it must have nine tails.

Trigonometry

for farmers: swine and coswine…

Two

math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair.

They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.

The boy says: “It’s a sin for those people to keep us waiting

like this!”

The girl replies: “No – it’s a cosin, silly!!!”

The

math professor just accepted a new position at a university in

another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings

into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home.

To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few

more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.

The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn’t rejoined her husband.

When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count

the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn’t loose any of them.

“Thirty nine boxes altogether”, says the prof on the

phone.

“That can’t be”, the wife exclaims. “The movers

picked up forty boxes at our old place.”

The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.

The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains.

The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls

back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.

In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again,

she asks: “I don’t understand it. When you count, you get

39, and when they do, they get 40. That’s more than strange…”

“Well”, the prof says. “This is a cordless phone,

so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two,

three,…”

New

York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a

Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics

teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession

of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have

ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying

weapons of math instruction.

Two

mathematicians are studying a convergent series.

The first one says: “Do you realize that the series converges

even when all the terms are made positive?”

The second one asks: “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely!”

“Students

nowadays are so clueless”, the math professor complains to

a colleague. “Yesterday, a student came to my office hours

and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero…”

It

is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student

raises his hand and asks: “Will we ever need this stuff in

real life?”

The professor gently smiles at him and says: “Of course not

– if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald’s!”

An

investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round

of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates – a pure mathematician,

an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance

– are asked what starting salary they are expecting.

The pure mathematician: “Would $30,000 be too much?”

The applied mathematician: “I think $60,000 would be OK.”

The math finance person: “What about $300,000?”

The personnel officer is flabberghasted: “Do you know that

we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the

same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?”

“Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you – and

$30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work.”

Statistics

Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited

for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another

one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.

All three are asked the same question: “What is one third

plus two thirds?”

The pure mathematician: “It’s one.”

The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches

in the numbers, and replies: “It’s 0.999999999.”

The statistician: “What do you want it to be?”

In

a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout

the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to

misuse their position to force their often extremist political

views on young Americans. “It is my understanding”,

the president said, “that you are frequently teaching algebra

classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with

the help of radicals. I can’t say that I approve of that…”