Relax a While – Top Consultant Jokes…
Where Would we be Without our sense of Humour?
Over the years I have heard many consultant jokes and I have selected a few of my favorites here along with some consulting jokes submitted by visitors to the site.
Please feel free to submit your own jokes about consulting using the form at the foot of the page.
Consultant Jokes – # 1
The Bear Hunt… Or: “I’ll sell it; You deliver it…”
A Partner in a large consulting firm and a more junior colleague decide to go on a weekend trip hunting bears.
They arrive at their small log cabin set in a clearing deep in the forest. The Junior Consultant starts to prepare a simple meal for them in the kitchen and begins to set up the range of equipment he has brought along for the bear hunt.
The Partner drops his bags and immediately disappears out the front door of the cabin; he is gone for about an hour.
Suddenly, the Partner comes running at full speed out of the trees, back across clearing and straight in through the front door of the cabin, with a huge grizzly bear just a few paces behind him.
As he disappears out the back door he yells over his shoulder at the Consulant “OK, You skin this Beauty, I’ll go get us another!”
Consultant Jokes – # 2
The Oldest Profession…
A medical doctor, an engineer, and a management consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor started… “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam’s body. This must have required surgery, and so I can claim with a high degree of confidence that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”
The engineer responded, and said, “But earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most impressive application of civil engineering. Therefore, dear doctor, you are wrong: mine is surely the oldest profession in the world.”
The management consultant leaned back in his chair, smiled, and then said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”
Consultant Jokes – # 3
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends – “How large is your budget?”
- We don’t know. They never seem to get past the feasibility study
- Three. One to change the bulb, one to document the process and one to coach him on how to conform to the process
- Four. One to change the bulb and three to contemplate how Tom Peters would have done it
- Six. One to change the bulb and five to tell him how much better they could have done it
Thanks to James, Dubai.
Consultant Jokes – # 4
A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical examination.
The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”
The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”
The doctor replied, “Marry a management consultant.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.
“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”
Consultant Jokes – # 5
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above this field. You are between 46 & 48 degrees N latitude and between 52 & 56 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a Manager”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man below, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault.”
Consultant Jokes – # 6
Wife or Mistress?
A lawyer, a doctor and a management consultant were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want to divorce, there are a number of complex legal problems to resolve and it will probably be very expensive.”
The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security and wellbeing lowers your stress and your blood pressure and is good for your health.”
The management consultant says: “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when your wife thinks you’re with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to the office and get some work done.
Consultant Jokes – # 7 The Golden Rules of Project Management
There are Two Golden Rules in Project Management:
1. Never tell anyone all you know
[pause] … and that’s it!
Thanks to Dick, Edinburgh.
Consultant Jokes – # 8
Quality is remembered long after Price is forgotten…
A man walked into a management consultant’s office and inquired about the rates for undertaking an assignment.
“Well, typically we scope, structure and plan the assignment in advance, and charge $50,000 (plus sales tax and expenses) for three questions”, replied the consultant.
“Isn’t that ridiculously expensive?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the consultant replied, “and what was your third question?”
Consultant Jokes – # 9
In a village in darkest Africa a sign hung over a Headhunter’s market stall:
- Ordinary brains $10 /lb
- Engineer brains $8 /lb
- Doctor brains $7 /lb
- Accountant brains $15 /lb
- Consultant brains $114 /lb
Asked to explain the relatively high cost of Consultant brains, the Headhunter said “You don’t appreciate how many Consultants we have to catch to get a pound of brains!”
Consultant Jokes – # 10 Ethics The Devil tells a Consultant, “OK, I can make you richer, more successful and more famous than any Consultant alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest Consultant that ever walked the planet.” “Great” says the Consultant, “What do I have to do in return?”
The Devil smiles, “Well, of course you have to give me your soul,” he says, “but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children and, just for good measure, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”
“Wait a minute,” the Consultant says cautiously, “What’s the catch?”
Thanks to Alexis, NYC.
Consultant Jokes – # 11
A management consultant is a man who knows 101 ways to make love but doesn’t know any women.
Consultant Jokes – # 12 Monkey Business
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey.
The proprietor takes him to the back of the store and shows him three identical looking, well cared for and content monkeys each housed in spacious, animal friendly environments. “This one costs $600,” says the owner. “Why so much?” asks the customer. “Because it can sing and play the Banjo” answers the owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, “That one costs $1,200, because it can talk, translate 20 languages and mix cocktails.”
The man is astonished and asks about the third monkey.
“That one costs $4,000,” answers the proprietor. “4,000 dollars!” exclaims the man. “What can that one do?” To which the owner replies, “To be frank, I’ve never seen it do anything, but it calls itself a consultant.”
Consultant Jokes – # 13
The Consultant and the Frog
A guy was walking through the forest one day when a frog called out to him from the side of the path…
It said “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into an enchanting, beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and continued with his walk.
The frog chimed up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting and beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The guy stopped, took the frog out of his pocket, smiled fondly at it, returned it to his pocket and resumed his walk.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting, beautiful princess, I will stay with you and you can do anything you want with me.” Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks in exasperation, “What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve told you I’m an enchanting, beautiful princess; that I’ll stay with you and let you do anything you want with me. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The guy said, “Look, I’m a consultant. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – How Cool is THAT!! ”
Thanks to Tom, Sydney.
And finally… Qn: Where would we be without our sense of humour?
Thanks to Michaela, Hamburg.