Teed Off

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife. “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.”

“Oh, that’s awful!” she says.

“You’re not kidding,” says Fred. “For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry …”

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife. “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” she says. “You’re…

Good Seats

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.

“No,” he replies. “I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone.”

“Why don’t you invite a friend?”

“I can’t. They’re all at the funeral.”

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is…

Translation

Q: How do you say “Michael Phelps” in Chinese?

A: Ka Ching.

Q: How do you say “Michael Phelps” in Chinese?

A: Ka Ching.

Fighting for Honor

In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players’ names would normally go. During the game against the University of Florida, a fight broke out, prompting the television commentator to announce, “It looked like Integrity threw the first punch.”

In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service,…

15 Funny Football Jokes

1. Petty Theft
Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Central High School.” But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.”

— Hal Olsen

2. Sports and Poetry
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband’s co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.

“Which one?” she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”

— Sandra J. Yarbrough

3. Praying for Overtime
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”

“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

— Evelyn Bredleau

4. Calling the Coach
As a high school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. “Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?”

The flustered kid replied, “Three.

— Allan Floyd

5. Football Makes Sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”

— Melissa Jones

1. Petty Theft Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned…

Spare Change Date

Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”

Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her…

Being a Good Sport

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

“Did you play sports in college, Mike?” his wife then asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“I was on West Point’s shooting team.”

“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. “Did you play sports in college, Mike?” his wife…

Helping Out

Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, “Don’t you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?”

“I think,” one of them said, “we should be down there playing for our team.”

Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in…

Proud Parent

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 14–0. Then one batter finally smacked the ball.

“Oh no,” the mom wailed. “There goes his no-hitter.”

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after…

Telephone Number

As a high-school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

“Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?”

The flustered kid replied, “Three.”

As a high-school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him…

Classic Feelings

As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.

“Which team do you want to win?” he asked.

“Gee, I don’t know,” I replied. “I’m kind of torn between Church and State.”

As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in…

Losing the Game

Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. “You’ve got me, Officer,” I confessed as I handed him my license. “I was speeding.”

The officer confirmed that I was clocked at 72 m.p.h. But as he spoke, I noticed him stealing a peek at my game program and a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat. “Were you down for the big game?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” I replied. The officer then paused for what seemed like an eternity.

“Well,” he said finally, “I guess you’ve suffered enough.”

I couldn’t believe my good fortune. But as my license was handed back to me, I felt compelled to ask a question. “Officer,” I said, “what if Ole Miss had won?”

“I’d have locked you up in a heartbeat,” came his reply. “Now keep it under 60!”

Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a…

Exercise Route

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to…

Rooting for the Other Team

About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. “I understand you’re from Oklahoma,” she said. “Are you a Sooners fan?”

“Absolutely!” I replied.

“Well,” she continued as she raised the needle, “this may hurt a little. I’m from Nebraska.”

About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. “I understand you’re from Oklahoma,” she said. “Are you a Sooners fan?”…

Running Days

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what “runner’s euphoria” was. “Runner’s euphoria,” he explained, “is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.”l

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined…

Surgery at the Game

On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if he wasn’t terribly disappointed to miss the big game.

“Oh, I won’t miss it,” he said. “Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!”

On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a…

Unconscious

Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move.

We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, “Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.”

Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and…

Batter Up

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat.

The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. “Could you read me the number?” he asked. “My vision’s not too good.”

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket…

Benchwarmer

It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. “Fellas,” he said, “I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game.”

The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.

It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. “Fellas,” he said, “I want you…

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