RELATIONSHIP
JOKES

A
man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized
that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early
morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first
to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please
wake me at 5.00 am.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am,
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”


Seen
in my local paper’s “readers sales” section.

FOR
SALE BY OWNER

Complete
set of encyclopaedia Britannica.

45 Volumes. Excellent condition.

£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason
for sale:- No longer required.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.


Social
Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply
for Social Security.

The
woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but
he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to
go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton
your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver
hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

When
he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the social security office. She says, “You should have
dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”


A
mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife
so he went to a psychiatrist.

The
psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave
him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He
had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The
man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want
you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then,
after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress
me and comb my hair?”

“The
funeral director,” said his wife.


Great
Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters

1.
Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3.
If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them
all up there.

4.
Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5.
Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6.
Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.

7.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.

8.
Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.

9.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are
too old for it.

10.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.

15.
Sadly, all men are created equal…


On
their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating
it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits
of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell
us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?”

Tom
responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher
of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint,
forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have
needed if you’d stayed single.”





Source