1 – The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.
“Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” s…
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2 – A young man who was also an avid golfer found
himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. H…
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3 – A man is stranded on a desert
island, all
alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the h…
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4 – A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about
to tee
off, and a greasy little salesman runs up…
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5 – A golfer, playing a round
by himself, is
about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up…
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6 – Two
college basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they
failed, they would…
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7 – It was a
particularly tough football game,
and nerves were on edge. The home team had
been the…
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8 – The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to
discuss
a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former l…
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9 – After a particularly poor game of
golf, a
popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started…
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10 – A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting
one
morning for a particularly slow group of gol…
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11 – “How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s
wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, bu…
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12 – Joe decides to take
his boss Phil to play 9
holes on their lunch. While both men are playing
e…
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13 – There was a Packers fan with a really crappy
seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he sp…
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14 – A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks
around
frowning.
Finally the pro askes her w…
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15 – A couple of old guys were golfing
when one
said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dent…
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16 – St. Peter and Satan
were having an argument
one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game
to b…
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17 – Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day
Bob
went to Tom and said, “Hey look at this great ball!”…
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18 – Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf
later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the co…
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19 – Coming
home from his Little League game,
Billy swung open the front door very
excited. Unable…
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20 – A guy took his girlfriend to her first football
game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the g…
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21 – The seven dwarves are down in the mines when
there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance…
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22 – A manager was being interviewed after he had
resigned from a football club?
“Were the crowd n…
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23 – Egotistical Harry was always reminding people
that he
played semi-pro baseball.
“I was the Ja…
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24 – A true story, according to the LA
Times…..
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward…
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25 – Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot
finish bottom ?
Captain: Well, it could have be…
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26 – Manager: Twenty
teams in the league and you
lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have bee…
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27 – Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million.
I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why’s that?
Ma…
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28 – Manager: I’ll give you fifty pounds a week to
start
with and a hundred pounds a week in a year’s…
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29 – Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I
think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Cad…
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30 – Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK!…
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31 – How many
Man U. fans does it take to change
a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one…
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32 – Golfer:
“I’d move heaven and earth to be
able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven….
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33 – Golfer: “Caddy,
do you think it is a sin to
play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir…
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34 – Q: What’s the difference
between David
Beckham and an airplane model kit?
A: One’s a glueless…
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35 – Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the
time, caddy. It’s
distracting!”
Caddy: “This i…
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36 – Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is
improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much…
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37 – Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet ?
Player: I…
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38 – Big Ron
was caught speeding on his way to
the City Ground today.
“I’ll do anything for 3 points…
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39 – Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet?
Player: I…
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40 – Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to
take a
year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he d…
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41 – Golfer: “That can’t be my
ball, caddy. It
looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we…
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42 – Why were the two managers sitting
around
sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It w…
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43 – Why were the two managers sitting around
sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It wa…
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44 – Q: What is the difference between Liverpool
football
and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in th…
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45 – Q: How does Stan Collymore change a
lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves…
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46 – Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first
week at spring
training?
A: Studying their Miran…
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47 – Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly
before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played bef…
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48 – Why was the struggling mange
seen shaking
the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in t…
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49 – Why is it that birds are quickly sold
when
they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go…
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50 – What is black and white and black and white and
black
and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a…
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51 – Why does someone who runs marathons make a good
student?
Because education pays off in the long…
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52 – What did the footballer say when he accidentally
burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hi…
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53 – Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson
after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!…
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54 – How do you stop squirrels playing football in
the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !…
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55 – Why are
football grounds odd ?
Because
you can sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits !…
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56 – How do you stop squirrels playing football in
the
garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!…
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57 – Our team is doing so badly that “Manager of the
Month” isn’t an award.
It’s an appointment!…
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58 – Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can
sit in the stands but can’t stand in the sits!…
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59 – Why do managers bring suitcases
along to
away games ?
So that they can pack the defence !…
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60 – Why
do managers bring suitcases along to
away games?
So that they can pack the defence!…
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61 – Why should you be
careful playing against a
team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!…
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62 – Did you hear about the football team who ate
too much pudding ?
They got jellygated !…
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63 – Which goal keeper can jump higher than a
crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can’t jump!…
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64 – What does a basketball player do before he
blows out his candles?
He makes a swish!…
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65 – Did you hear about the football team who ate
too much pudding?
They got jellygated!…
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66 – Why do grasshoppers not go to
many football
matches?
They prefer cricket matches!…
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67 – Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer
space?
Because there is no atmosphere!…
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68 – Why are football players never asked for
dinner?
Because they’re always dribbling!…
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69 – Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear
?
Because he liked sole music !…
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70 – Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto
the
pitch ?
He was the skipper !…
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71 – What should a football team do if the pitch is
flooded ?
Bring on their subs !…
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72 – Q: What did the football say to the football
player?
A: I get a kick out of you….
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73 – Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto
the
pitch?
He was the skipper!…
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74 – Why did the footballer hold his
boot to his
ear?
Because he liked sole music!…
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75 – What should a football team do if the pitch is
flooded?
Bring on their subs!…
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76 – If you have a referee in football, what do you
have in bowls ?
Cornflakes !…
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77 – What
do you get if you drop a piano on a
team’s defence?
A flat back four!…
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78 – Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a
5-iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”…
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79 – If you have a referee in football, what do you
have
in bowls?
Cornflakes!…
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80 – What does a footballer and a magician have in
common ?
Both do hat tricks !…
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81 – What does a footballer and a magician have in
common?
Both do hat tricks!…
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82 – Ref:I’m sending you off
Player: What for
?
Ref: The rest of the match !…
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83 – Where do religious school children practice
sports?
In the prayground!…
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84 – Ref: I’m sending you off
Player: What
for?
Ref: The rest of the match!…
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85 – Where do football directors go when they are fed
up ?
The bored room !…
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86 – Why do artists never win when they play
football ?
They keep drawing !…
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87 – How did the basketball court get wet?
The
players dribbled all over it!…
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88 – What part of a football ground is never the
same?
The changing rooms!…
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89 – How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle
?
Somebody took a corner !…
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90 – What part of a football ground is never the same
?
The changing rooms !…
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91 – Where do football directors go when they are fed
up?
The bored room!…
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92 – Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy:
“It’s not supposed to be.”…
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93 – What is the bank manager’s favourite
type
of football ?
Fiver side !…
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94 – Did you hear about the underwater snooker
player?
He was a pool shark!…
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95 – How did the footbal pitch end up as
triangle?
Somebody took a corner!…
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96 – What is the bank manager’s favourite
type
of football?
Fiver side!…
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97 – Why
did the goal post get angry ?
Because
the bar was rattled !…
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98 – What part of a football pitch
smells
nicest?
The scenter spot!…
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99 – What did they call Dracula when he won the
league?
The champire!…
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100 – Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car,
who’s
driving?
A: The police….
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101 – What part of a football pitch smells nicest
?
The scenter spot !…
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102 – What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership
?
Cold Trafford !…
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103 – When fish play football, who is the
captain?
The team’s kipper!…
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104 – Which England player keeps up the fuel supply
?
Paul gas coin !…
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105 – How do hens encourage their football teams
?
They egg them on !…
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106 – What’s the chilliest ground in the
premiership?
Cold Trafford!…
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107 – Who won the race between two balls of
string?
They we’re tied!…
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108 – Which England player keeps up the fuel
supply?
Paul gas coin!…
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109 – Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the
bar was rattled!…
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110 – How do hens encourage their football
teams?
They egg them on!…
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111 – What is a runner’s
favourite subject in
school?
Jog-raphy!…
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112 – What stories are told by basketball
players?
Tall stories!…
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113 – What is a runner’s favourite subject in school
?
Jog-raphy !…
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114 – What stories are told by basketball players
?
Tall stories !…
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115 – Why did the chicken get sent off?
For
persistent fowl play!…
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116 – Where do spiders play their FA Cup
final?
Webley stadium!…
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117 – Why didn’t the dog want to play football
?
It was a boxer !…
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118 – Where do spiders play their FA Cup final
?
Webley stadium !…
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119 – Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It
was a boxer!…
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120 – What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas
?
Ince pies !…
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121 – What is a goal keepers favourite snack
?
Beans on post !…
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122 – Which insect didn’t play well in goal ?
The
fumble bee !…
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123 – What does Paul Inces mum make for
Christmas?
Ince pies!…
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124 – Which insect didn’t play well in goal?
The
fumble bee!…
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125 – What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans
on post!…
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126 – What lights up a football stadium ?
A
football match !…
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127 – What lights up a football stadium?
A football
match!…
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128 – What’s tennis players favourite
city?
Volley wood!…
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129 – Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston
Vanilla!…
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130 – What did the bumble bee striker say ?
Hive
scored !…
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131 – Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the
gutter!…
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132 – What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive
scored!…
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133 – How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping
ion!…
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134 – What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil
nuts!…
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135 – Where do footballers dance ?
At a football
!…
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136 – Where do footballers dance?
At a football!…
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137 – What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!…
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