The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?”
Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”
How hot is it in Hell?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Whiskey and Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “
Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. ” Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms”
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?”
With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The bus doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.
- “When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”
- “H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
- “When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
- “Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”
- “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
- “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
- “Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
- “Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
- “The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
- “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
- “A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
- “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
- “The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”
- “The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.”
- “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
- “The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
- “A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspeds, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
- “The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
- “A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
- “Equator: An imaginary lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
- “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
- “Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
- “Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
- “Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
- “Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
- “Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
- “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
- “For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
- “To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
- “For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”
- “To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked “Can I buy you a drink?”
She replied in a loud voice “A motel!” “No!” he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. “I just offered a drink”, he said. She replied “Why should I go with you to a motel?”
“Oh forget it” he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought.
About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; “Sir, I’m sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research.”
He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, “TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?”
I don’t want to go to school!
Mom goes to son’s room to wake him up. “Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!”
Son, in a surly mood says, “I don’t want to go to school!”
Mother insists, “You must, son, now come on!”
Son replies, “I don’t want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don’t want to go!”
Mother says, gently, “Son, you know you have to go to school.” “
Why do I have to go to school?” Mother replies, “Because you’re the Principal!”
Four Advantages of Breast Milk
The student – not necessarily a well-prepared student – sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.” What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
- No need to boil.
- Cats can’t steal it.
- Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
You Might be in Education If
- You believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick.
- You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
- You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.”
- You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
- You believe “shallow gene pool” should have it’s own box on the report card.
- You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”
- When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
- Marking all A’s on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler.
- When you mention “vegetables” and you’re not talking about a food group.
- You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
- You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
- You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
- You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
- You can’t have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
- Meeting a child’s parents INSTANTLY answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
- Or if you think government can do a better job of education, for less money, than private enterprise or home school.
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break … but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too!
And not that they weren’t doing everything and anything to help their son … Private tutors, peer assistance, CDs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room – and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with mat books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card – unopened – in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
“Was it the nuns that did it?”, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, “No.”
“Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”, asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, “No.”
“The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?”, asked the father.
“Nope,” said the son. “It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!”
“How so?”, asked his mom.
“When I walked into the lobby, the first thing I saw was that guy they’d nailed to the plus sign!”
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry.” He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
College Entrance Exam – Football Player Version – Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1.What language is spoken in France?
2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to
- (a) build a bridge
- (b) sail the ocean
- (c) lead an army or
- (d) WRITE A PLAY
4.What religion is the Pope?
- (a) Jewish
- (b) Catholic
- (c) Hindu
- (d) Polish
- (e) Agnostic
- (check only one)
5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8.What are people in America’s far north called?
- (a) Westerners
- (b) Southerners
- (c) Northerners
9.Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton
10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11.Where does rain come from?
- (a) Macy’s
- (b) a 7-11
- (c) Canada
- (d) the sky
12.Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
- (a) yes
- (b) no
13.What are coat hangers used for?
14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
- (a) New York
- (b) Florida
- (c) Canada
- (d) Wisconsin
18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
- (a) B.C
- (b) A.D.
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.” The student looked incredulous and angry.
“Do you know WHO I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.
“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room
Closest to God
The teacher gave the class an assignment. Everyone must think of which part of their body is closest to God. They are to go home and think about it and come in the next day with their thoughts.
The next day the teacher asked the class what they thought – Little Johnny is jumping out of his chair Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! – I know!!! I know!!!
The teacher wanted to hear from someone else so little Sally raised her hand and said:
S – your head
T – Why is that Sally?
S – Because it is the highest part of your body
T – Good answer Sally – anyone else???
Little Johnny – I know I know !!!!!!
Not yet Johnny give someone else a try!
Little Becky replied:
B – your heart
T – Why Becky
B – Because you love with your heart and we love God.
T – Good answer Becky
Little Johnny is still jumping from his chair raising his hand!!!
Ok Johnny what part of the body do you think is closer to God??
J – your feet
T – Why your feet?
J – because last night my mom had her feet in the air and she was yelling “Oh God – Oh God I’m coming!!”
I need to take a piss!!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!”
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just F’ing beautiful!'”
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”