A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math
at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes
straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They
find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that
for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his
report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see
under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about
learning math?”

The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I
walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back
of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.
“The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father,
“is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

“Dad, can you write in the dark?”

“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”

“Your name on this report card.”

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today
in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with
your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

The child comes home from his first day at school.

Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

“The teacher asked

‘How much is 2×3?’

and I said


“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me

‘How much is 3×2?’

“What’s the fucking difference?”

“That’s exactly what I said!”

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little
boy. So she said, “if you reached in your right pocket and found a
nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one,
what would you have?”

“Somebody else’s pants.”

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”

Sam: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”

Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”

The teacher came up with a good problem. “Suppose,” she asked the
second-graders, “there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a
fence. How many would be left?”

“None,” answered little Norman.

“None? Norman, you don’t know your arithmetic.”

“Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two
rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples
and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two
rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is

Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?

Milton: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark. On the way
home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”

“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms”.

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping
student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”

The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the
sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the
teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself.”

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you
this frog in my pocket.” He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a
chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,
“That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, “What do you like
best about it, class? Let’s start with you, Robert.”

“The artwork,” says Robert.

“Very good. And you, Peter?”

“Her tits!” says Peter.

“Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall,” responds the teacher with disgust.
“And you, Johnny?”

“I’m leaving, teacher, I’m leaving…”

“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.

“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.


“I’m the principal’s daughter.”

“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.

“No,” she replied.

“Thank goodness!”

“Haven’t I seen your face before?” a judge demanded, looking down at the

“You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin
lessons last winter.”

“Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn’t you?

Tim: Not a bit!

Teacher: How do you spell “dog”?

Pupil: d, o, g, enter.

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got
angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got
psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was
followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

A little kid’s in school, taking a true-false test and he’s flipping a coin. At the end of the
test he’s flipping the coin again. The teacher says, “What are you doing?” He says, “Checking my

Math teacher by Deddi Shy

What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?

A senior high school math problem.

The Evolution of a Math Problem


A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):

A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):

A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The
cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of
cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the
difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):

A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of
production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline
the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do
you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the
forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):

By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from
$80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):

A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the
higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the
spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers
that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and
lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress
instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return
on investment of the lobbying?

The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”. A student copied the answer from
the student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was
cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x)”.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the
soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

Schools We Don’t want to Attend

The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation

The Mike Tyson Charm School

The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service

The Saddam Hussein Military Academy

The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics

The Don King Barber College

The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course

The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy.

When you walk into the classroom and say good morning…

When they say good morning back, it’s Freshmen.

When they put their newspapers down and open their
books, it’s Sophomores.

When they look up so they can see the instructor
over the tops of the newspapers, it’s juniors.

When they put their feet up on the desks and keep
reading, it’s seniors.

When they write it down, it’s graduate students.

How teachers do it…

Teachers do it with class.

Teachers do it 50 times after class.

Teachers do it with boys and girls.

Teachers make you do it till you get it right.

You Might Be a Schoolteacher if…

  • you have no time for a life from August to June.

  • you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8
    to 3 and have your summers free!”

  • when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and
    correct their behavior.

  • you refer to adults as “boys and girls.”

  • you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a “good helper.”

  • you’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream
    of doing your job.

  • meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this
    kid like this?”

  • you believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the
    report card.

  • you know hundred good reasons for being late.

  • you don’t want children of your own because
    there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.

How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to
the homework.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Light bulb changing isn’t in the course notes.

“Is it worth any bonus marks?”

Kid: “please could I go 2 the toilet”
teacher: “say the alphabet”
Kid: “abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz”
teacher: “where’s the p?”
kid: “running half way down my leg”

Liam hill

Students have no class.

Robert D Dangoor