About school, teachers and our educational system.

All of these jokes
come from a variety of sources, since I own so many joke books.
I ask that you do not copy these for your website or submit them to sites asking
for jokes. Why? I spent money buying the books and time going through them
all.
I feel other webmasters should invest time and money in their sites rather than
sponge off others.
I also make no money and so I only ask for some respect. Thanks.

A mother walked into
her son’s room and said cheerfully, “Up. Up. It’s time to go to
school.”

The son replied,
“I don’t want to go to school.”
“You have to go,” the mother said.
“I hate that school. The kids are mean and rotten.”
“You still have to go, ” exclaimed the mother.
“It’s like jungle. One fight after another. They threaten me at least 100
times a day!” cried the son.
“You have to go to school!!”
“Why must I go?” pleaded the son.
“Because,” replied the mother, “You are the principal!”

A teacher was talking
to her class about the Mason Dixon line. She then asked, “What does this
line divide?”
A student replied, “This line divides the ‘you all’ from the ‘youse guys’
people of America.

TEACHER: “Can
someone give me a sentence using the word
‘archaic’ in it?”
STUDENT: “We can’t have our archaic and eat it too.”

TEACHER:
“Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and
he gave your mother half, what would she have?”
STUDENT: “A heart attack.”

TEACHER: “If
I divided a piece of beef into four pieces,
what would I get?”
STUDENT: “Quarters”
TEACHER: “Right. Now if I divided the quarters again into halves what would
I get?”
STUDENT: “Eighths.”
TEACHER: “Right. Now if I divided those 8 pieces each into 8 more pieces
what would I have?”
STUDENT: “Hamburger.”

A teacher wrote home to
a student’s parents:

“If you don’t believe
half of what he says goes on in school, then I won’t believe half of what he
says goes on at home either.”

The teachers were being
feted by a number of business groups in the neighborhood. At the end of his
welcoming speech, the head of the Chamber of Commerce said, raising his
wineglass, “Long live our teachers!!”
A voice in the back said, “On what?”

How do you play hooky
from correspondence school?
Send them an empty envelope.

When I went to school I
was the head cheerleader.
“Did you learn the 3 R’s?”
“Indeed. RAh! Rah! Rah!”

Teacher: “What is
the purpose of having school?”
Student: Without school there wouldn’t be a reason for
holidays and summer vacation.

One kid was so bad, his
parents went to PTA meetings under an assumed name.

A young man came home
with a terribly unsatisfactory report card in January. “Oh dear,” said
his mother, “what is the trouble?”
“There isn’t any trouble,” said the boy. “You know yourself
things always get marked down after the holidays.”

An 8 yr. old was giving
his kid brother some advice as the younger one was about to go off to school for
the first time.
“Don’t learn how to spell ‘car’, because if you do, after that the words
just keep getting harder and harder.

A teacher asked,
“What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?”
A student said, “Whoa!!!”

A new teacher, trying
to make use of her psychology courses, started her class by saying,
“Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.” After a few
seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re
stupid, Johnny?”
“No Ma’am, “he said. “but I hate to see you standing up there all
by yourself.”

A school kid asks his
teacher, “Is it true that the law of gravity keeps us on Earth?”
The teacher replied, “Yes.”
The kid then asked, “What kept us before the law was passed?”

“Son, I’m worried
about your being at the bottom of the class.”
“Pop, they teach the same stuff at both ends.”

Children of
Distinction: The promising 7 yr. old was given the difficult assignment in class
of describing the taste of chocolate ice cream in a single sentence.
“Chocolate,” she explained, “tastes the opposite of
vanilla.”

PROFESSOR: “This
essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.”
STUDENT: “Yes, sir, it’s the same dog.”

Mr. Clemenceau posted a
sign in the classroom stating,
“Because of a conference, Mr. Clark will not teach his classes
tomorrow.”
One of his smart-alecky pupils erased the “c” in classes.
Aware of such student pranks, Mr. Clark then erased the “L.”

When asked for her
occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a
schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled. “Now, sit down
at that table and write 500 times, ‘I will not pass through a red
light.”

“What is the
plural of man, Willie?” asked the teacher.
“Men,” he answered.
“And, what is the plural of child?”
“Twins,” replied Willie.

From the examination
paper of a 9 yr. old Chicago hopeful named Larry Wolters:
“Nathan Haley said, ‘I only regret that I have but one life to give for my
country.’ This statement has come to be known as Haley’s Comment.

The teacher asked:
“What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and
half animal?”
Billy raised his hand. “Yes?” the teacher acknowledged.
“Buffalo Bill,” replied Billy.

The teacher said I must
learn to write more legibly,” the child told his mother. “But,
if I do, she’ll find out that I can’t spell.”

TEACHER:
“Petey, every day since school started you’ve been late. Why?”
PETEY: “It’s not my fault! There’s a sign at almost every crossing
that says, ‘go slow’.”

A teacher was asked to
fill out a special questionnaire for the state. One question said, “Give
two reasons for entering the teaching profession.”
The teacher wrote: “July and August.”

A country school board
had a teacher prospect in to size him up. One member asked him whether the earth
was round or flat. He didn’t bat an eye. “I don’t know how you
people feel about it, but I can teach it either way.”

TEACHER:
“What is a synonym?”
STUDENT: ” A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other
one.”

FIRST STUDENT:
“How old is Profession Smith?”
SECOND STUDENT: “Pretty old. They say he used to teach Shakespeare.”

FATHER: “Tell me
how school went today. How do you like it?”
BILLY: “It’s hard to like a place that’s haunted, dad.”
FATHER: “Haunted! What do you mean?”
BILLY: “It’s that new teacher of mine…she keeps talking about the school
spirit.”

TEACHER:
“Now Billy, what do we mean by plural?”
BILLY: “By plural we mean it’s the same thing, only more of it.”

When the teacher asked
in what part of the world the most ignorant people were to be found, a small boy
volunteered quickly, “In New York.”
The teacher was amazed and asked the boy how he obtained his information.
“Well,” he replied, “the geography says that’s where the
population is the most dense.”

Little Billy brought
home his report card. His mother took him to task for all the low grades.
Little Billy responded, “It’s got it’s good side too. You know darn
well I’m not cheating.”

I was casting
kids….for our annual Christmas play and I was giving our choices such as
shepherds, lambs, villagers etc.
One 5 yr. old boy couldn’t decide so I said, “Johnny, you can be a
villager.”
Johnny replied, “OK”…and ran over to his parents. Very excited
he said to them, “Guess what? I get to be a mini-van!”

TEACHER:
“What is an Indian wife called?”
GIRL: “A squaw.”
TEACHER: “Right. And what are Indian babies called?”
GIRL: “Swawkers!”

BILLY: “I
got a hundred in school today.”
MOTHER: “That’s great dear. What was it in?”
BILLY: “Two things. I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in Arithmetic.”

When one teacher told
his class to write the longest sentence they could compose, a bright kid wrote:
“Imprisonment for Life!”

TEACHER: “Sarah,
what was the first thing James the First did on coming to the throne?”
SARAH: “He sat down.”

SON: Dad, I just
graduated and I got my B.A.
MOM: I suppose now you’ll be trying for a Ph.D?
POP: No, he’s going to be trying for a J.O.B.

TEACHER: “Can
somone tell me what an ‘operetta’ is?”
STUDENT: “Easy. It’s a woman who works for the phone company.

TEACHER: “Can
someone tell me what the ‘status quo’ is?”
STUDENT: “That’s a fancy name for the mess most of us are in.”

The teacher was telling
the story of Christoper Columbus and how many thought that the world was
flat. Then she had mentioned that the world was really round and…got
interrupted…
“Miss Smith, the world is square, not round,” said Johnny.
“No, it’s round Johnny. Who told you it was square?” replied the
teacher.
“My older brother. He claims he’s been to all 4 corners of the
earth.”

A teacher caught a
student cheating on his Botany exam and brought him into the principal’s office.
“Miss Smith, “asked the principal. “How do you know Johnny was
cheating?”
“Because,” replied Miss Smith, “I found that he had 7 flowers
tucked inside his jacket and a bunch of pollen up his sleeve. This makes
me very concerned about tomorrow’s exam and what he might use to cheat on
that. So I thought I’d better inform you of this now.”
“What is tomorrow’s exam?” asked the principal.
“Sir, it’s an anatomy exam,” replied the teacher.

“I have to go to
the gymnasium to get graduated” said the Senior.
“That’s a funny place to graduate,” replied his friend.
“Well, look at the card. It says: Come to the Graduation Exercises.”

Return to our main section on:

There are a few student/teacher related jokes in our JOKES
area mingled with the others from
a few years ago for those who want to go over there.

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