Over 100 funny business quotes and humorus business stories.
Use for business presentations, speeches, or just plain business inspiration.
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What is Two and Two?
A business man was interviewing applicants
The first interviewee was a journalist. His
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that
The last applicant was an accountant. The business
He got the job.
The Ruthless Executive
A young, ruthless executive died and went to
The guard replied, “They whip you, boil you in oil,
“And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?”
“The same exact thing,” the guard answered.
“Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?”
“Because in Socialist Hell, they’re always out of whips,
Overseas Advertising Blunders
Funny Slogan Translations
From “American Demographics” magazine:
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery,
Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish,
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough
Puffs tissues tried to introduce its product, only to learn
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries.
True Tales: Computer Genius
A neighbor works in the operations department in the central
Office Dictionary Humor: Part I
APPLY IN PERSON:
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
DUTIES WILL VARY:
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Office Dictionary Humor: Part II
ALWAYS ON THE GO:
EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
Dilbert’s “Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
As every engineer and scientist knows: Power = Work/Time.
If (Knowledge = Power) and (Time = Money) then Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work/Knowledge. Thus,
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended
“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted
“But where are all your cattle?”
“So far, none have survived the branding.”
Regrettable Quotes: Part I
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
There will never be a bigger plane built.
Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to
We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way
With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese
Regrettable Quotes: Part II
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their
This telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously
No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message
Who wants to hear actors talk?
Regrettable Quotes: Part III
Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies,
We don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.
I think there’s a world market for about five computers.
While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are
When you make a mistake of adding the date to the right side
of the accounting statement, you must add it to the left side too.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual
Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it, and
that’s true anywhere in the world.
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with
his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don’t need it.
Need a good laugh? The following classified ad was listed in a
sleazy business opportunities home page: “How to get one million
people to send you $2.00! Method plus proof it really works. Rush
$2.00 and SASE to…”
There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t
do any business from there.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader,
who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel
There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses
The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘check
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is boss.
Advertising is legalized lying.
H. G. Wells
Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are
any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.
If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank
$100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.
J. Paul Getty
We were hoping to build a small profitable company; and of course,
what we’ve done is build a large, unprofitable company.
Jeff Bezos (1964-) U.S. Businessman
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your
Behind every successful man lurks a truly amazed ex-mother-in-law.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food.
He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to
fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was
You don’t want another Enron? Here’s your law: If a company, can’t
explain, in ONE SENTENCE….what it does….it’s illegal.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having
lots to do and not doing it.
The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to
recognize his boss’ voice on the phone.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter
of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching
television by candlelight.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention
in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get
to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
I’ve talked to you on a number of occasions about the economic
problems our nation faces, and I am prepared to tell you it’s in
a hell of a mess—we’re not connected to the press room yet,
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m
from the government and I’m here to help.”
I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the
truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and
expense. This makes you look smart.
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Butler Leacock
How many people on their deathbed wish they’d spent more time at
Stephen R. Covey
We don’t have a monopoly. We have market share. There’s a difference.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
My son is now an “entrepreneur.” That’s what you’re called
when you don’t have a job.
The three most frequently told lies in the world… The cheque
is in the post… I’ll still espect you afterwards ….. I’m from
the Revenue and I’m here to help you.
What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising?
Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical
advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
There are three cardinal rules — don’t take somebody else’s boyfriend
unless you’ve been specifically invited to do so, don’t take a drink
without being asked, and keep a scrupulous accounting in financial
W. H. Auden
If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.
A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us
from buying it.
In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most,
it is the honest man who doesn’t know what he is doing.
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