1 – Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One yea…

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2 – Teacher: In what part of the
world are the
people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Wh…

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3 – Teacher: I’ll call you Fred Smith
then.
Pupil: My dad won’t like that.

Teacher: Why is that?…

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4 – Teacher: What is the formula for
water ?

George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formul…

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5 – Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put

your hand to your mouth!

Pupil: What?, and get b…

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6 – Teacher: I wished you would pay a little
attention
Pupil: I’m paying as little as I can !…

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7 – A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in,…

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8 – A school teacher injured his back and had to
wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his bo…

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9 – A student called up his Mom one evening from

his college and asked her for some money, because h…

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10 – Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
day during…

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11 – A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
cl…

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12 – A student comes to a young
professor’s
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,…

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13 – One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rud…

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14 – A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer…

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15 – A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and…

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16 – The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy…

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17 – A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. “In English,” he said, “A do…

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18 – “If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up”
said the sarcastic teacher. Aft…

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19 – A little girl came home from
school and
said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punish…

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20 – ‘Ann!’ the teacher shouted one day at the

girl who had been daydreaming out the window. ‘If Indi…

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21 – The teacher came up with a good problem.

“Suppose,” she asked the second-graders, “there were a…

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22 – The
teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on
counting. Jackie got things
started by counting fr…

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23 – The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. “Jackie,”
she asked, “can you c…

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24 – Johnny comes back from school crying and says,

“Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a bi…

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25 – The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the ba…

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26 – A teacher was having
trouble teaching
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, “if you reached…

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27 – Man: “How’s
your history paper
coming?”

Woman: “Well, my history professor suggested that I u…

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28 – Teacher: If I gave you three
rabbits today
and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you…

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29 – “Isn’t the principal a
dummy!” said a boy
to a girl.

“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the…

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30 – School
Principal: I’ve called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about t…

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31 – Teacher: Is
Lapland heavily
populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teache…

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32 – The parents were very disappointed in the

grades that their son brought home. “The only consolat…

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33 – A little kid’s in
school, taking a
true-false test and he’s flipping a coin. At the end
of the…

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35 – ‘I’m not going to school today,’ Alexander
said to his mother.
‘The teachers bully me and the bo…

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36 – Mother: “Why are you home from school so
early?”
Son: “I was the only one who could answer a que…

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37 – “It’s clear” said the teacher, “That you

haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?” “W…

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38 – Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
ears, do
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you…

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39 – Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a…

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40 – The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you…

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41 – Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother:
Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things:…

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42 – Dad, can you
help me find the lowest common
denominator in this problem please?
Don’t tell me t…

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43 – Mother: Did you
enjoy the school outing,
dear ?
Jane: Yes, and we’re going again tomorrow.
Mot…

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44 – If you had one dollar and you
asked your
father for another, how many dollars would you have?…

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45 – Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes,
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…

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46 – “Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days
she asked us how much
is two and two. We told her…

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47 – Jackie stood quietly as her father
examined
her report card.
“What is this 45 in math?” asked h…

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48 – A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
P…

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49 – If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don’t know.
Why no…

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50 – Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil:…

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51 – Fred came home from his first day at school.
“Nothing exciting
happened”, he told his mother, “E…

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52 – Teacher: You copies from
Fred’s exam paper
didn’t you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred’…

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53 – Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil…

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54 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space bo…

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55 – Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another

there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fre…

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56 – Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and

won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secr…

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57 – Father: How were the
exam
questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The que…

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58 – Mother: What did you learn in school
today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son:…

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59 – Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on

the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
Teacher: Now,…

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60 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and…

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61 – Father:
How do you like going to
school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit…

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62 – Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a ho…

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63 – Teacher : Why are you the only child in the

classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only on…

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64 – Teacher : What are you doing,
crawling into
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me…

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65 – Teacher: This is the third
time I’ve had
to tell you off this week, what have you got to say
a…

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66 – Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read

Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have yo…

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67 – An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: I didn’t do it because I didn’t…

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68 – Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many…

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69 – Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
?
Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for th…

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70 – Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to

tell you off this week, what have you got to say abo…

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71 – Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
school
this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: W…

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72 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to scho…

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73 – Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the

fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in y…

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74 – How
many schoolteachers does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed durin…

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75 – Teacher: What’s the longest word in the
English
language ?
Pupil: Smiles – because there is a m…

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76 – Teacher: Why didn’t you answer me ?
Pupil:
I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don’t expect me t…

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77 – Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn’t know where the
Rockies were.
Mother: Well ne…

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78 – Teacher, I can’t solve this problem.
Any
five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wond…

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79 – Mother: How was your first
day at
school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called “Tea…

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80 – Teacher : The word politics – can you give me
an
example of how to use it ?
Pupil : My parrot s…

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81 – Teacher: Fred, I’m glad to see your writing

has improved.
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can…

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82 – TEACHER: “Can anybody give an
example of
COINCIDENCE?”
JOHNNY: “Sir, my Mother and Father got m…

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83 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mo…

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84 – Boy to Friend: I’m sorry, I won’t be able to
go out after school. I
promised Dad that I would st…

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85 – Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my

questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t…

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86 – Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
nurs…

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87 – Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
were
you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teach…

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88 – Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my

questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t b…

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89 – Teacher: That’s quite a
cough you have
there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don’t know…

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90 – Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father:
Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Teacher: Where don’t…

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91 – Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a

tree called?”
Sam: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Sam…

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92 – Teacher: That’s quite a cough you have

there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don’t know t…

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93 – Father: What did the
teacher think of your
idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?…

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94 – Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me.

Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher…

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95 – Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in
my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just…

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96 – Teacher : Can’t you retain anything in your

head overnight ?
Pupil : Of course, I’ve had this c…

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97 – Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
4+4?
Pupil: That’s not fair!

You answer the easy ones and…

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98 – Why aren’t you doing very well in
history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that hap…

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99 – Teacher : What are
you reading ?
Pupil :
I dunno !
Teacher : But you’re reading aloud !
Pupil…

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100 – Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk
and the boy next to you
took three what would you…

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101 – Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
?
Son: They’re under water
Father: What do you mean…

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102 – Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best…

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103 – I’m not going back to school ever again
Why
ever not?
The teacher doesn’t know a thing, all she…

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104 – Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We’re not passing notes…

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105 – Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what’s so great about that?…

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106 – Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass

but you’ve only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the…

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107 – Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this

test!

Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest ma…

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108 – When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it

remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there a…

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109 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he…

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110 – Our teacher
talks to herself does yours
?
Yes, but she does’t realise it, she thinks we’re actu…

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111 – Teacher: Give me three reasons
why the
world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says s…

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112 – Teacher:
Are you good at math ?
Pupil:
Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I’m…

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113 – “Dad, can you write in the dark?”
“I think
so. What is it you want me to write?”
“Your name on t…

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114 – TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is

the difference?
Stella: That’s what I say, what’s…

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115 – How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I’ve
learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giv…

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116 – Pupil: The
art teacher doesn’t like what
I’m making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?…

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117 – Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took eve…

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118 – Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you

to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
C…

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119 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost th…

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120 – Teacher: I’d like to go through one whole day
without having to tell
you off.
Pupil: You have m…

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121 – Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30

minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for th…

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122 – Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know…

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123 – Teacher: What is can’t short for ?
Pupil:
Cannot miss
Teacher: and what is don’t short for
Pup…

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124 – Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes
and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I’m no…

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125 – Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 – 2nd January, 2nd…

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126 – Teacher: Did your parents help you
with
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong…

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127 – Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 – 2nd January, 2nd F…

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128 – Teacher: What’s big
and yellow and comes
in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The s…

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129 – How many students does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. Light bulb changing isn’t in the cou…

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130 – Teacher : Billy, please don’t whistle while

studying.
Billy : Oh, but I’m not studying – just w…

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131 – Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Son:
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X’s on my test…

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132 – Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,

but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will d…

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133 – Science teacher: What happened when

electricity was first discovered?
Fred: Someone got a nast…

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134 – I
failed every subject except for
algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn’t take a…

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135 – Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at

Fred’s test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn’t see me…

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136 – Teacher: What happened to your
homework?

Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijac…

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137 – Teacher: Why does the
statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour ?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit…

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138 – Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !
Tommy:
No, teacher you had better try mine. There’s more of…

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139 – Teacher: This note from your father looks like
your handwriting ?
Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed m…

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140 – Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
such an
unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can’…

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141 – Father: I hear you skipped school
to play
football
Son: No I didn’t, and I have the fish to pro…

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142 – Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit…

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143 – Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my…

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144 – Fred: I’ve
added these figures ten times.

Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answ…

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145 – Are you in
the top half of your class
?
No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possi…

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146 – Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
class ?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my l…

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147 – Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning

?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at s…

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148 – Teacher: Who can tell me where
Hadrians Wall
is?
Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden m…

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149 – Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
gave
you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch mo…

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150 – Caspar: I was the teacher’s pet last
year.
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn’t afford a…

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151 – Teacher : What is a comet ?
Pupil : A star
with a tail
Teacher: Can you name one ?
Pupil: Lassi…

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152 – Teacher : What is the most common phrase used

in school ?
Pupil : I don’t know
Teacher: Correc…

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153 – Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest

sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment…

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154 – Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes,
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah’s court!…

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155 – Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead

Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn’t even know he was sick!…

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156 – Teacher: Why are you picking your
nose in
class ?
Pupil: My mother won’t let me do it at home !…

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157 – Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in

Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !…

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158 – What happens if you draw on the blackboard and
the
teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!…

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159 – Father: You were absent on the day of the
test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!…

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160 – Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word

lettuce !
Pupil : Let us out of school early !…

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161 – Teacher: Can you tell me something important
that
didn’t exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !…

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162 – An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your

homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!…

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163 – Why were you late ?
Sorry, teacher, I
overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too !…

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164 – Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!…

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165 – Why do teachers
use a bamboo
cane?
Because when the cane goes ‘bam’ the child goes boo!…

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166 – Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Alan?
Fred: ‘Cuz there’s money in it, sir….

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167 – Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won’t freeze
?
Pupil: Hot water !…

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168 – Be sure that you go
straight home after
school
I can’t, I live just round the corner !…

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169 – Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !…

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170 – Teacher : What’s happens to gold
when it
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It’s stolen !…

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171 – Teacher: What’s 2 and 2?
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That’s good.
Pupil: Good?, that’s perfect!…

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172 – Teacher: What’s 2 and 2
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That’s good
Pupil: Good ?, that’s perfect !…

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173 – What do you get when
you add 2 apples to 3
apples? A senior high school math problem….

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174 – Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
just
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !…

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175 – Teacher: Where is the English Channel
?
Pupil: I don’t know, my TV doesn’t pick it up…

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176 – Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call

you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!…

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177 – Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting

our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?…

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178 – What’s the worst thing you’re likely to

find in the school cafeteria?
The food!…

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179 – Teacher: You’re new
here aren’t you,
what’s your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith…

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180 – Teacher: What came after the stone age and the

bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!…

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181 – Why was the headmaster
worried?
Because
there were too many rulers in school!…

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182 – What’s the longest piece of furniture in the

school? The multiplication table….

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183 – Teacher: In music, if “f” means
“forte”,
what does “ff” mean ?
Pupil: Eighty…

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184 – Q. Why did the jellybean go to

school?

A. Because he wanted to be a smarty…

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185 – Did you hear about the cross eyed

teacher?
He couldn’t control his pupils!…

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186 – Teacher: Didn’t you know the
bell had
gone?
Fred: I didn’t take it, Miss….

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187 – What did you learn in school today?
Not
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!…

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188 – Q: What did one math book say to the
other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!…

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189 – What
do French pupils say after finishing
their school dinners ?
Mercy !…

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190 – Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28
days
?
Pupil: All of them !…

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191 – Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t

you?
Pupil: Not very much!…

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192 – Teacher: What family does the octopus belong

to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!…

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193 – Where did the pilgrims land when they came to

America?
On their feet!…

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194 – Why did the teacher
wear
sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!…

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195 – Playing truant from school
is like a credit
card
Fun now, pay later !…

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196 – Why did the teacher put the
lights
on?
Because the class was so dim!…

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197 – Where did all the cuts and blood come
from?
The school went on a trip!…

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198 – What do history teachers make when they want to
get
together?
Dates!…

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199 – Teacher: What are
the Great
Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!…

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200 – What’s yellow, has wheels and lies on its

back?
A dead school bus!…

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201 – My teacher reminds me of
history
She’s
always repeating herself!…

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202 – Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you
get detention alone !…

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203 – What are you going to be when you get out of
school?
An old man!…

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204 – What’s black and white all over and
difficult?
An exam paper!…

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205 – What was King Arthur’s favourite
game?
Knights and crosses!…

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206 – Where do children learn their ABC’s ?
At
LMN-tary school !…

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207 – The food in our school canteen is
perfect.
If your a bug!…

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208 – What kind of food do maths teachers
eat?
Square meals!…

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209 – How do bees get to
school ?
By school
buzz !…

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210 – Teacher: Name two pronouns?
Pupil: Who? me?…

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