1 – Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
2 – Teacher: In what part of the
world are the
people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
3 – Teacher: I’ll call you Fred Smith
Pupil: My dad won’t like that.
Teacher: Why is that?…
4 – Teacher: What is the formula for
Teacher: Is that the formul…
5 – Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put
your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get b…
6 – Teacher: I wished you would pay a little
Pupil: I’m paying as little as I can !…
7 – A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in,…
8 – A school teacher injured his back and had to
plaster cast around the upper part of his bo…
9 – A student called up his Mom one evening from
his college and asked her for some money, because h…
10 – Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
11 – A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
12 – A student comes to a young
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,…
13 – One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
14 – A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer…
15 – A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and…
16 – The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy…
17 – A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. “In English,” he said, “A do…
18 – “If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up”
said the sarcastic teacher. Aft…
19 – A little girl came home from
said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punish…
20 – ‘Ann!’ the teacher shouted one day at the
girl who had been daydreaming out the window. ‘If Indi…
21 – The teacher came up with a good problem.
“Suppose,” she asked the second-graders, “there were a…
22 – The
teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on
counting. Jackie got things
started by counting fr…
23 – The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. “Jackie,”
she asked, “can you c…
24 – Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
“Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a bi…
25 – The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the ba…
26 – A teacher was having
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, “if you reached…
27 – Man: “How’s
your history paper
Woman: “Well, my history professor suggested that I u…
28 – Teacher: If I gave you three
and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you…
29 – “Isn’t the principal a
dummy!” said a boy
to a girl.
“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the…
30 – School
Principal: I’ve called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about t…
31 – Teacher: Is
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
32 – The parents were very disappointed in the
grades that their son brought home. “The only consolat…
33 – A little kid’s in
school, taking a
true-false test and he’s flipping a coin. At the end
35 – ‘I’m not going to school today,’ Alexander
said to his mother.
‘The teachers bully me and the bo…
36 – Mother: “Why are you home from school so
Son: “I was the only one who could answer a que…
37 – “It’s clear” said the teacher, “That you
haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?” “W…
38 – Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you…
39 – Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a…
40 – The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you…
41 – Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things:…
42 – Dad, can you
help me find the lowest common
denominator in this problem please?
Don’t tell me t…
43 – Mother: Did you
enjoy the school outing,
Jane: Yes, and we’re going again tomorrow.
44 – If you had one dollar and you
father for another, how many dollars would you have?…
45 – Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…
46 – “Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days
she asked us how much
is two and two. We told her…
47 – Jackie stood quietly as her father
her report card.
“What is this 45 in math?” asked h…
48 – A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
49 – If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don’t know.
50 – Teacher: How much is half of 8?
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
51 – Fred came home from his first day at school.
happened”, he told his mother, “E…
52 – Teacher: You copies from
Fred’s exam paper
Pupil: How did you know?
53 – Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
54 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space bo…
55 – Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another
there, how many eggs will there be?
56 – Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and
won’t be able to come to school today.
57 – Father: How were the
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The que…
58 – Mother: What did you learn in school
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
59 – Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on
the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
60 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and…
61 – Father:
How do you like going to
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit…
62 – Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a ho…
63 – Teacher : Why are you the only child in the
classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only on…
64 – Teacher : What are you doing,
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me…
65 – Teacher: This is the third
time I’ve had
to tell you off this week, what have you got to say
66 – Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read
Teacher: What have yo…
67 – An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
Pupil: I didn’t do it because I didn’t…
68 – Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many…
69 – Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for th…
70 – Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to
tell you off this week, what have you got to say abo…
71 – Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
72 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to scho…
73 – Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the
fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in y…
74 – How
many schoolteachers does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed durin…
75 – Teacher: What’s the longest word in the
Pupil: Smiles – because there is a m…
76 – Teacher: Why didn’t you answer me ?
I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don’t expect me t…
77 – Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn’t know where the
Mother: Well ne…
78 – Teacher, I can’t solve this problem.
five year old should be able to solve this one.
79 – Mother: How was your first
Son: It was all right except for some man called “Tea…
80 – Teacher : The word politics – can you give me
example of how to use it ?
Pupil : My parrot s…
81 – Teacher: Fred, I’m glad to see your writing
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can…
82 – TEACHER: “Can anybody give an
JOHNNY: “Sir, my Mother and Father got m…
83 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mo…
84 – Boy to Friend: I’m sorry, I won’t be able to
go out after school. I
promised Dad that I would st…
85 – Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t…
86 – Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
87 – Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
88 – Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t b…
89 – Teacher: That’s quite a
cough you have
there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don’t know…
90 – Son: I can’t go to school today.
Son: I don’t feel well
Teacher: Where don’t…
91 – Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a
Sam: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Sam…
92 – Teacher: That’s quite a cough you have
there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don’t know t…
93 – Father: What did the
teacher think of your
Son: She took it like a lamb
94 – Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me.
Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher…
95 – Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just…
96 – Teacher : Can’t you retain anything in your
head overnight ?
Pupil : Of course, I’ve had this c…
97 – Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
Pupil: That’s not fair!
You answer the easy ones and…
98 – Why aren’t you doing very well in
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that hap…
99 – Teacher : What are
you reading ?
I dunno !
Teacher : But you’re reading aloud !
100 – Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk
and the boy next to you
took three what would you…
101 – Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
Son: They’re under water
Father: What do you mean…
102 – Teacher: Where is your homework?
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best…
103 – I’m not going back to school ever again
The teacher doesn’t know a thing, all she…
104 – Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We’re not passing notes…
105 – Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what’s so great about that?…
106 – Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass
but you’ve only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the…
107 – Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest ma…
108 – When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it
remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there a…
109 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he…
110 – Our teacher
talks to herself does yours
Yes, but she does’t realise it, she thinks we’re actu…
111 – Teacher: Give me three reasons
world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says s…
112 – Teacher:
Are you good at math ?
Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I’m…
113 – “Dad, can you write in the dark?”
so. What is it you want me to write?”
“Your name on t…
114 – TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is
Stella: That’s what I say, what’s…
115 – How are you doing in arithmetic ?
learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giv…
116 – Pupil: The
art teacher doesn’t like what
I’m making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?…
117 – Teacher: Where is your homework?
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took eve…
118 – Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you
to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
119 – An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost th…
120 – Teacher: I’d like to go through one whole day
without having to tell
Pupil: You have m…
121 – Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30
minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for th…
122 – Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know…
123 – Teacher: What is can’t short for ?
Teacher: and what is don’t short for
124 – Teacher: Are you good at math?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I’m no…
125 – Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 – 2nd January, 2nd…
126 – Teacher: Did your parents help you
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong…
127 – Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 – 2nd January, 2nd F…
128 – Teacher: What’s big
and yellow and comes
in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The s…
129 – How many students does it take to change a
None. Light bulb changing isn’t in the cou…
130 – Teacher : Billy, please don’t whistle while
Billy : Oh, but I’m not studying – just w…
131 – Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X’s on my test…
132 – Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,
but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will d…
133 – Science teacher: What happened when
electricity was first discovered?
Fred: Someone got a nast…
134 – I
failed every subject except for
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn’t take a…
135 – Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at
Fred’s test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn’t see me…
136 – Teacher: What happened to your
Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijac…
137 – Teacher: Why does the
statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour ?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit…
138 – Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !
No, teacher you had better try mine. There’s more of…
139 – Teacher: This note from your father looks like
your handwriting ?
Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed m…
140 – Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can’…
141 – Father: I hear you skipped school
Son: No I didn’t, and I have the fish to pro…
142 – Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit…
143 – Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my…
144 – Fred: I’ve
added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answ…
145 – Are you in
the top half of your class
No, I’m one of the students who make the top half possi…
146 – Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
Daughter: How to talk without moving my l…
147 – Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning
About an hour and a half after I arrived at s…
148 – Teacher: Who can tell me where
Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden m…
149 – Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch mo…
150 – Caspar: I was the teacher’s pet last
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn’t afford a…
151 – Teacher : What is a comet ?
Pupil : A star
with a tail
Teacher: Can you name one ?
152 – Teacher : What is the most common phrase used
in school ?
Pupil : I don’t know
153 – Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest
sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment…
154 – Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah’s court!…
155 – Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead
Pupil: Dead?, I didn’t even know he was sick!…
156 – Teacher: Why are you picking your
Pupil: My mother won’t let me do it at home !…
157 – Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !…
158 – What happens if you draw on the blackboard and
teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!…
159 – Father: You were absent on the day of the
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!…
160 – Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word
Pupil : Let us out of school early !…
161 – Teacher: Can you tell me something important
didn’t exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !…
162 – An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
Pupil: My little sister ate it!…
163 – Why were you late ?
Sorry, teacher, I
You mean you need to sleep at home too !…
164 – Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!…
165 – Why do teachers
use a bamboo
Because when the cane goes ‘bam’ the child goes boo!…
166 – Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Fred: ‘Cuz there’s money in it, sir….
167 – Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won’t freeze
Pupil: Hot water !…
168 – Be sure that you go
straight home after
I can’t, I live just round the corner !…
169 – Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !…
170 – Teacher : What’s happens to gold
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It’s stolen !…
171 – Teacher: What’s 2 and 2?
Teacher: That’s good.
Pupil: Good?, that’s perfect!…
172 – Teacher: What’s 2 and 2
Teacher: That’s good
Pupil: Good ?, that’s perfect !…
173 – What do you get when
you add 2 apples to 3
apples? A senior high school math problem….
174 – Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !…
175 – Teacher: Where is the English Channel
Pupil: I don’t know, my TV doesn’t pick it up…
176 – Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!…
177 – Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting
our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?…
178 – What’s the worst thing you’re likely to
find in the school cafeteria?
179 – Teacher: You’re new
here aren’t you,
what’s your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith…
180 – Teacher: What came after the stone age and the
Pupil: The sausage!…
181 – Why was the headmaster
there were too many rulers in school!…
182 – What’s the longest piece of furniture in the
school? The multiplication table….
183 – Teacher: In music, if “f” means
what does “ff” mean ?
184 – Q. Why did the jellybean go to
A. Because he wanted to be a smarty…
185 – Did you hear about the cross eyed
He couldn’t control his pupils!…
186 – Teacher: Didn’t you know the
Fred: I didn’t take it, Miss….
187 – What did you learn in school today?
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!…
188 – Q: What did one math book say to the
A: Man I got a lot of problems!…
189 – What
do French pupils say after finishing
their school dinners ?
190 – Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28
Pupil: All of them !…
191 – Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t
Pupil: Not very much!…
192 – Teacher: What family does the octopus belong
Pupil: Nobody I know!…
193 – Where did the pilgrims land when they came to
On their feet!…
194 – Why did the teacher
Because his class was so bright!…
195 – Playing truant from school
is like a credit
Fun now, pay later !…
196 – Why did the teacher put the
Because the class was so dim!…
197 – Where did all the cuts and blood come
The school went on a trip!…
198 – What do history teachers make when they want to
199 – Teacher: What are
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!…
200 – What’s yellow, has wheels and lies on its
A dead school bus!…
201 – My teacher reminds me of
always repeating herself!…
202 – Laugh and the class laughs with you.
get detention alone !…
203 – What are you going to be when you get out of
An old man!…
204 – What’s black and white all over and
An exam paper!…
205 – What was King Arthur’s favourite
Knights and crosses!…
206 – Where do children learn their ABC’s ?
LMN-tary school !…
207 – The food in our school canteen is
If your a bug!…
208 – What kind of food do maths teachers
209 – How do bees get to
210 – Teacher: Name two pronouns?
Pupil: Who? me?…