As far as I know, most of the following atrocious walks-into-a-bar jokes originated with me, and the rest with my beloved wife, Cyndie. So you can credit us or blame us, as you wish. Prepare to groan.

A chicken walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve chickens here. Try the place across the road.”

An egg walks into a bar, looks around and sees the place is empty. The egg says to the bartender, “Looks like I beat everyone here this morning.” Bartender says, “Not really. The chicken came first.”

A ceiling fan walks into a bar, and says, “I’d like a beer, but I can’t pay you until tomorrow.” Bartender says, “Look, we’ve gone round and round about this.”

A light bulb walks into a bar, hands the bartender a dollar and says, “I need some quarters for the meter.” Bartender says, “Sorry, it takes three bartenders to change a light bulb.”

A wall, a window, and a floor walk into a bar. They sit down at a booth, and order 12 pitchers of beer. The bartender thinks that’s a lot of beer for three guys, but maybe they have friends coming over. So he brings over the pitchers. A while later he looks over. The window is smashed, the wall is plastered, and the floor is under the table.

A square, a triangle, and a hexagon walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Looks like you guys could use a round.”

A TV sitcom walks into a bar. Bartender says “Cheers!”

A weasel walks into a bar. “You look underage,” says the Bartender. “I can’t serve you alcohol.” “I’ll have a pop,” goes the weasel.

A helium balloon floats into a bar. Bartender says, “What can I do for you?” The balloon points over and says, “I’ll have whatever that weasel’s having.”

A potato peeler walks into a bar, goes and sits in a booth in the back. A while later, a potato walks into the bar. Bartender says, “Don’t go back there.”

A bottle of wine walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we only serve beer here.”

An empty bottle walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re already drunk.”

A roll of tape walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What would you like?” The tape says, “Make it a Scotch.”

A Don’t Walk sign walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, you can’t do that!”

A bag of fertilizer walks into a bar. Bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t give me any shit.”

A diaper walks into a bar and says “I’m looking for the guy that got me all wet!” Bartender says, “Just don’t do anything rash.”

A crate of 2 by 4’s walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, you’re a crate of lumber!” The crate says, “Yeah, wanna make something of it?”

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Want to register for our drawing? We’re giving away a set of kidney stones.” The guy says, “Nah, I’ll pass.”

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door. Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?” One of the birds says, “This place looked seedier on the outside.”

An angel walks into a bar, sits down, has a couple of beers. When he gets up to leave, bartender says “That’ll be six bucks.” The angel says, “We angels aren’t allowed to carry money. But I can give you this pair of wingtips.”

An id, an ego, and a superego walks into a bar. The superego says, “This place is dirty and disgusting! We should be ashamed of ourselves for setting foot in a dive like this!” The ego says, “That’s true, but it’s right next to our bus stop and the prices are very reasonable.” The id says, “Wow, look at the hooters on that waitress!”

A piano walks into a bar after hours. Bartender says, “Hey, who gave you the keys?”

A five dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, this is a singles bar.”

A guy walks into a bar and asks, “Do you have any helicopter-flavored potato chips?” Bartender says, “No, we only have plane.”

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey!” The horse says, “Yes please, and can I get a beer with that?”

A cow walks into a bar. Bartender asks what she’d like. The cow says “Mooooooonshine.”

Another cow walks into a bar wearing a priest’s robes. Bartender says “Holy cow!”

A Mongolian wild ass walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “What have you got that tastes like me?”

A guy walks into a bar wrapped in a blanket. Bartender says, “For you, there’s a cover charge.”

A vampire walks into a bar. Bartender says “Let me guess. A Bloody Mary?”

A stamp and an envelope walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, where do you think you’re going?” The stamp says, “That’s no way to address my wife!”

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender says “What can I get you?” The duct tape says “I’ll stick to my usual.”

A professional bowler walks into a bar. Bartender says, “I’m sorry, we just ran out of clean glasses.” The bowler says, “That’s okay, I’ve got a spare.”

A professional golfer walks into a bar wearing his cleats, and another shoe hanging from a string around his neck. Bartender asks, “Why the extra shoe?” The golfer says “In case I get a hole in one.”

A golf club walks into a bar. Bartender says “What’ll you have?” The golf club says, “Just water for me. I’m the designated driver.”

An umpire walks into a bar. Bartender asks what he’d like. The umpire says “Highball.”

Fred Astaire walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “What have you got on tap?”

Harper Lee walks into a bar. Bartender asks what she’d like. “Tequila Mockingbird,” says Harper.

A head walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “What have you got that’s full-bodied?”

A beaver walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beavers here.” The beaver says, “Dam!”

A pile of trash walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, didn’t I throw you out yesterday?”

A bathroom scale walks into a bar. Bartender says, “I’ll be with you in a minute.” The bathroom scale says, “I can weight.”

A clay pot walks into a bar and says “Give me a whiskey, and make it a double.” Bartender says, “Had a rough day?” The clay pot says, “Yeah, I just got fired.”

A cell phone walks into a bar. Bartender says, “You’re just in time for last call.”

Godot walks into a bar. Bartender says, “There’s two guys here who’ve been waiting for you.”

A tongue walks into a bar, and yells out, “I can lick anyone in this joint.”

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says, “Should I put it on your bill?”

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Have you heard the joke that doesn’t have a punch line?” Bartender says “No.”

In case you’re not completely sick of these yet, here are a couple more collections:

Schiesshouse: A guy walks into a bar
Man Walks Into a Joke

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