April 11, 2014

Staff Writer

The bar joke is a classic for a reason

A Dog Walks Into a Bar…


and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Minister Walk Into a Bar…


and the bartender exclaims, “What is this, a joke?”

A Man Walks Into a Bar Carrying Jumper Cables…


so the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, don’t start anything in here.”

A Man Walks Into a Bar…


he leans over and says to the bartender, “Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”

The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”

The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”

“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.

So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.

As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, “What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”

The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. “Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”

The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”

A Horse Walks Into a Bar…


and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It had becomes anxious and confused by the noise in the room, and starts to gallop around the bar, knocking over tables, until it finally finds its way back out.

A White Guy, a Black Guy, and a Hispanic Guy Walk Into a Bar…


and they are a shining example of diversity in the community.

A Screwdriver Walks Into a Bar…


The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Stanley?”

A Termite Walks Into a Bar…


and says, “So is the bar tender here?”

A Man Walked Into a Bar…


It hurt.

An Elephant Walks Into a Bar…


Several people immediately recognize the danger in the situation and leave.

A Guy Walks Into a Bar….


and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice, but he can’t tell where it’s coming from.

“Hey, mister! I like your tie!” it says.

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anything, and decides to shrug it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip, and another tiny voice pipes up.

“Hey, hey, mister! Nice shoes!”

Again, he looks around, but he sees nothing but the bartender who is busy taking some other customers’ orders. Shaking his head, he takes another sip.

“Hey, mister! I like your haircut!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated, and signals to the bartender, who walks over, polishing a glass.

“Hey, barkeep,” he says, “what’s with the high-pitched voices I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”