Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that.

I know how to do it without surgery.”
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Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop.”

The bartender laughs and says, “You’re crazy, but you’re on.”

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere — all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
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A blond guy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the Plummer the other day I
found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
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I was standing at the bar in Dublin and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a Guinness.
I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars”

To which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there.

In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
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An Aussie called by the unlikely name of Bruce bounced into his local and with a big grin on his face said to his mates:

“Drinks are on me”

One of them asked what was the occasion.

Bruce said that after trying for umpteen years his wife back in Oz had just given birth to their first child a boy weighing in at 25lbs

“Jeez Bruce – 25lb? That’s a bit extreme ! ”

A female customer listening nearby, fainted and fell on the floor.
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SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
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Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two.”
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
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The bartender says, “Can anyone drink 10 pints in 2 minutes?”

The place goes quiet until one sailor pipes up, “I’ll bet I can.”

Instead of running up to the bar, he runs out the door.

A few minutes later, he’s back. “Line ’em up,” he yells.
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Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness.

One of them turns to the other and asks, “So where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”

They both finish their pints and order two more.
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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar.

The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?”
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Guy in a hotel asks the barman “Where are the gents”

Barman “down the corridor second door on the left”

So the guy leaves then comes back to the bar and says

“This place is corrupt ,on my way to the gents I passed the Ladies

and I couldn’t believe what I saw ”
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A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts.

who’s been fucking my wife?
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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business.

All of a sudden this great big dude comes in and — WHACK!! — knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again.
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This guy is married and his wife knows he is a bit of a cranky pants.

They go out together on a night out.

They go to the restaurant and order a nice meal.

Midway through he calls the waiter and says, “Is there any such thing as a decent glass of wine to go with this dinner, if so give me one.”

Then they go to a pub where he calls to the barman, “Is there any such thing as pints of beer here, if so give me one.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

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A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the bar-stool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?”

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

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