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Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes…

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

What’s the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you’re out if you’re caught stealing.

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