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Funny Stuff

Turn the next five minutes into Happy Hour with these short, sweet bar jokes for any occasion. [Warning: Please joke responsibly.]

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

Arthur Rothstein / Library of Congress

It was tense. Check out our entire collection of bar jokes here.

The NSA Walks into a bar.

Russell Lee / Library of Congress

“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.

The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

Jack Delano / Library of Congress

“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!” Here are 50 short jokes anyone can remember.

An amnesiac walks into a bar.

Russell Lee / Library of Congress

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

A neutron walks into a bar.

Sheldon Dick / Library of Congress

“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.

“For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.” Don’t miss these funny science jokes.

Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar.

Jack Delano / Library of Congress

[citation needed]

*co-founder of Wikipedia

Two dragons walk into a bar.

Library of Congress

The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!” Check out the funniest jokes about each U.S. state.

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.

Fred Palumbo / Library of Congress

The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??” Don’t miss the best dad jokes.

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Marjory Collins / Library of Congress

A time traveler walks into a bar.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.

Russell Lee / Library of Congress

The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”

“France,” the kitty says, “they’ve got millions of them!” These 25 clever jokes will make you sound smart.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

Marjory Collins / Library of Congress

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

A panda walks into a bar.

Library of Congress

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.” These are the grammar jokes that every word nerd will appreciate.

This cowboy walks into a bar.

Library of Congress

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

A man runs into a bar.

Russell Lee

Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!” So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.

“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.

“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.

“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.

“Only twelve cents.”

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar.

Nick Parrino / Library of Congress

“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke??” Check out these corny jokes everyone will appreciate.

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