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### MATH JOKES

Q:
What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large
pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four…

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin
for his work – the philosopher can do without the trash bin…

Q:
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

A: A high school math problem!

Q:
What does the zero say to the the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?

A: You say: “Your brain is smaller than any >0!”

Q:
What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he
wants to propose?

A: A polynomial ring!

Q:
Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don’t need
the sun!

Q:
Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant,
always insist on taking the leftovers home?

A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!

Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi!

Teacher:
“Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?”

Student: “It’s 42!”

Teacher: “Very good! – And who can tell me what 6 times 7
is?”

Same student: “It’s 24!”

A
mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with
AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.

Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine
had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: “Don’t worry
– we’re safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us
is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine.”

A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers
that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure:
“But don’t worry – we’re still safe. Only our flying time
will go up to twelve hours.”

Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off.
But the pilot reassures the passengers: “Don’t worry – even
with one engine, we’re still perfectly safe. It just means that
it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt.”

The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: “If the
last engine breaks down, too, then we’ll be in the air for twenty-four
hours altogether!”

A
math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his
homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he
thinks it’s wrong, but also because he doesn’t want to be sanctioned
for aiding and abetting.

His classmate calms him down: “Nobody will be able to trace
my homework to you: I’ll be changing the names of all the constants
and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.”

Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands
his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.

the names of all the variables?”

“Sure!” the classmate replies. “When you called
a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed
it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called
it the timber of x+1…”

The
chef instructs his apprentice: “You take two thirds of water,
one third of cream, one third of broth…”

The apprentice: “But that makes four thirds already!”

“Well – just take a larger pot!”

The
math teacher asks his students: “What is 9 times 7?”

He gets several answers – all are either 62 or 65.

“Come one – the correct answer can either be 62 or 65!”

“That
math prof’s marriage is falling apart!”

“No wonder! He’s into scientific computing – and she’s incalculable!”

A
woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.

“How old, do you think, am I?” she asks coyly.

“Well – 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on
up is something you can probably do for yourself…”

Theorem.
A cat has nine tails.

Proof.
No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no
cat, it must have nine tails.

Trigonometry
for farmers: swine and coswine…

Two
math students, a boy and his girlfriend, are going to a fair.
They are in line to ride the ferris wheel when it shuts down.

The boy says: “It’s a sin for those people to keep us waiting
like this!”

The girl replies: “No – it’s a cosin, silly!!!”

The
math professor just accepted a new position at a university in
another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings
into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home.
To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few
more days while her husband has already left for their new residence.

The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn’t rejoined her husband.
When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count
the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn’t loose any of them.

“Thirty nine boxes altogether”, says the prof on the
phone.

“That can’t be”, the wife exclaims. “The movers
picked up forty boxes at our old place.”

The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39.

The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains.
The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls
back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive.

In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again,
she asks: “I don’t understand it. When you count, you get
39, and when they do, they get 40. That’s more than strange…”

“Well”, the prof says. “This is a cordless phone,
so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two,
three,…”

New
York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a
Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics
teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have
ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

Two
mathematicians are studying a convergent series.

The first one says: “Do you realize that the series converges
even when all the terms are made positive?”

The second one asks: “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely!”

“Students
nowadays are so clueless”, the math professor complains to
a colleague. “Yesterday, a student came to my office hours
and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero…”

It
is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student
raises his hand and asks: “Will we ever need this stuff in
real life?”

The professor gently smiles at him and says: “Of course not
– if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald’s!”

An
investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round
of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates – a pure mathematician,
an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance
– are asked what starting salary they are expecting.

The pure mathematician: “Would \$30,000 be too much?”

The applied mathematician: “I think \$60,000 would be OK.”

The math finance person: “What about \$300,000?”

The personnel officer is flabberghasted: “Do you know that
we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the
same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?”

“Well, I thought of \$135,000 for me, \$135,000 for you – and
\$30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work.”

Statistics
for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another
one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.

All three are asked the same question: “What is one third
plus two thirds?”

The pure mathematician: “It’s one.”

The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches
in the numbers, and replies: “It’s 0.999999999.”

The statistician: “What do you want it to be?”

In
a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout
the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to
misuse their position to force their often extremist political
views on young Americans. “It is my understanding”,
the president said, “that you are frequently teaching algebra
classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with
the help of radicals. I can’t say that I approve of that…”